“Because leaving hurts less when you decide when it happens.”
I sat there, unable to speak.
Then Luke looked at me through tears.
“I was going to do it to you.”
I turned back toward him.
“What?”
Despite everything, I almost laughed.
“When I moved in, I had a plan.”
“What plan?”
“Give it a couple months. Then start acting different.”
“But you didn’t.”
He shook his head.
“I messed up.”
“How?”
Tears rolled down his cheeks.
“Then I started loving you.”
I moved my chair closer.
“How?”
“I liked being here.”
He covered his face.
“Then I started loving you.”
I reached across the table.
“Then the adoption happened, and all I could think was that Emma would hate me.”
He wiped his eyes.
“I called you Mom without meaning to. Then the adoption happened, and everybody was happy, and all I could think was that Emma would hate me.”
I sat beside him.
“You should have told me.”
“I know.”
“Why wasn’t Emma discussed during your adoption?”
Luke didn’t answer.
The next morning, I called Denise.
“Why wasn’t Emma discussed during Luke’s adoption?”
There was a long silence on the other end.
“There were decisions made between the adults involved at the time.”
“The history was in the records?”
“Yes.”
“Then why wasn’t it addressed?”
“Direct contact had become restricted years ago while Emma adjusted to her placement.”
“Restricted by whom?”
Another pause.
“There were decisions made between the adults involved at the time. Letters were routed through them. Contact was supposed to be revisited.”
“Supposed to be?”
Denise didn’t answer immediately.
