A study published in the Journal of Family Communication discovered that the single most important predictor for having a close family is not the large gatherings during the holidays, but the “micro-check-ins.” This includes sending short texts or having short phone calls to say “how was your day?” These types of behaviors, especially among families, reveal higher feelings of support. On the contrary, the families that tend to be vague about their expectations are the ones that tend to move further away without even being aware that they are doing so.
The truth is, however, than when distance sets in, it’s hard to close that gap. At the end, it all comes to keeping the relationship meaningful by making sure than no side has to wonder where they stand.
Lack of Emotional Support
When parents fail to acknowledge their children’s emotions while growing up, it can have a lasting negative effect. Children who have been dismissed or made to feel like their feelings don’t matter will often continue to believe this as an adult, that their feelings simply aren’t important. This makes it extremely difficult for them to ever get close to anyone else. Instead of being an open book, they’re forced to keep people at arm’s length and emotionally distant as a way of survival.
The science behind this phenomenon is rather simple. According to the American Psychological Association, the way we bond with people as adults is determined by the way we were emotionally programmed as a child. If those needs weren’t being fulfilled, it’s generally going to lead to a difficult relationship, lack of warmth, and a quiet resentment that can exist between a parent and a child for many, many years.
By the time these children become adults, they are likely to either stop calling their parents or simply keep the relationship and the conversations on surface level. What’s more, they won’t do this in order to hurt their parents, but as a way to make sure they won’t be hurt any further.
Overcoming this issue is certainly possible, but it’s a two-way street that requires looking back at those past experiences and creating a new space where the real talk would be welcomed instead of being dismissed.
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Parental Narcissism
It becomes a constant battle to build a healthy and balanced relationship when the parent puts their own needs and emotions before their children’s.
Rather than being a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, the narcissistic parent could simply brush off the child’s emotions or turn defensive as soon as they are criticized. This creates a huge divide between the two, as children of narcissistic parents tend to feel invisible as they grow up, and as adults, they begin to distance themselves as a way of maintaining their own peace of mind.
As to the clinical aspect of all this, the picture is rather clear. Research from the American Psychological Association illustrates the damage a lack of empathy from parents can cause to emotional development and ultimately to relationships. When you’re not really “heard” as a child, it’s not easy to feel “safe” being close to someone as an adult.
However, when and if visits become rare or even nonexistent, there is this instinct to naturally place the blame on the child. What many parents don’t know, however, is that this only damages the relationship, or whatever is left of it, further.
Having open and non-judgmental conversation can help uncover the “why” behind the distance and even a chance to repair it.
Conclusion
In the end, the distance between parents and children is never about one single explosion of events. It’s more about a gradual build-up of things getting in the way, crossed wires, and old emotions being swept under the rug. What appears to be one person being uncaring is actually something much more complicated, like underlying assumptions or past events that never got fully discussed.
The good news is that these relationships are incredibly resilient, and things can get better between parents and children if both sides are willing to put in the effort. Even small gestures, like a text message of “thinking of you” or one single conversation, can begin to bridge the distance between parents and children and turn a bad relationship into a good one again.
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Love and Peace
